o my gawd, seriously?!

Published December 12, 2012 by snowhillofdoom

who ARE these people who think they can just walk all over you?

why are they such bullies?

when i used to work at an art studio, an ART S-T-U-D-I-O, i got bullied all the FREAKING TIME.

getting bullied all the freaking time wasn’t anything new, bullies have given me a hard time my whole life, but come ON, it was an ART STUDIO. you know there is something wrong if you get bullied in an art studio.

i was the floor manager so i had the pleasure of dealing with all sorts of weird situations. most of the time they were entertaining. and then a situation would come along that made absolutely no freaking sense whatsoever, so much so that i wouldn’t know what to do except become a deer in the headlights.

so the owner from the store next to the art studio opens the front door, keeps it open, stares me down across a crowded room of families who are sitting at tables quietly painting or standing in line to pay (i am at the register which is far away from the front door) and who are all now staring at her because she is just standing there with some sort of mysterious but urgent purpose.

i know who she is, she’s the witch next door who owns a children’s store and hair cutting biz, and i got customers up the yahoo so she is definitely last on my list of priorities. she “ahems” me from across the studio because her presence has not gotten the royal welcome she was trying to suck out of me and i barely look at her out of the corner of my eye and, get this, she literally says “it smells like dirty diapers in my store” with such an air of authori-TAY and as if it’s all my fault. at this point i have already gone well past my tolerance of her witchy brew and i’m not sure what company protocol is in this sort of situation so i just keep doing my job and click my heels three times to try to wish her away.

it doesn’t work. she continues. “it smells like dirty diapers in my store and it’s COMING FROM YOUR STUDIO.” and i’m like, woop dee doo lady, thanks for the tip, bye bye for now, nice catchin’ up with ya. of course, the customers are like, wtf is going on, is there going to be a gang fight soon, should we be hiding under the tables or should we just continue painting? they look at me as if i know what the fuck to do and i’m like, uh, hello, she is clearly a psycho, and psychos can’t be dealt with, everybody knows THAT, and, NO, i don’t know what to do. HOWEVER, if anyone has any suggestions just feel free to blurt them out at any time. anyone? anyone???

so the witch is still not getting the desired results and her posse (worker bees) have now assembled themselves by her side (like they do in music videos when they’re about to break it down) and they are advancing into the studio towards me while she continues on her weird rant about “stinky diaper smells coming from here” la la la la blah! her posse is all smarmy looking, hands on hips, some of them are filing their nails even, surly expressions all pointed in my direction, while their queen just babbles on and on about dirty diapers. god, people are so fucking weird.

i try to muster up any sort of maturity i might have hidden somewhere so as to appear professional even though this situation is clearly insane. and then i decide that i must throw myself into the fire and let the art studio customers continue their afternoon without having to see this strange and stupid spectacle. it doesn’t even make any goshdarned sense and it’s just uncomfortable when you are a guest somewhere and something weird happens and you’re trying not to react or stare but you don’t want to be rude and just ignore what is obviously going on. what i SHOULD’VE done is formally introduced her as “the witch next door, in case any of y’alls wanna get ur kids’ hairs cutted after y’alls done paintin’, uh hee hee.”

i go for the simplest solution and just start walking out the door of the studio and into the witches’ store next door, hoping they will follow me. sure enough they follow me without missing a beat. the queen is still flapping her hairy wrinkly yap and her posse is still hands on hips and surly. and then as if the whole situation wasn’t already weird enough, they form a circle around me–some are sitting on merchandise shelves, some are behind the counter, some are actually lying the fuck down on the floor, all the while there are CUSTOMERS in the store and some random kid is getting a haircut, and the person cutting his hair comes over to join the circle. hell, they even rang out a customer while all this was going on. i mean, seriously, a customer actually BOUGHT something in this environment (she gave me a questioning look but i was like, dude, why does everybody think i have the answers, i don’t even know my ass from my face at the moment).

what’s even WEIRDER is that i haven’t even said one fucking word yet. not a word. not even a dirty look. nothing. i guess i was just in shock and also waiting to see what they were going to do so that i could come up with a clever response. hopefully something involving kung fu fighting and plenty of judo chops. but they really didn’t have anything for me to respond to because it was all just nonsense. you can’t reply to nonsense with sense, everbuddy knowed dat!

so i’m just standing and turning ’round to kind of hear what they want to throw at me in case there IS by chance SOMETHING, ANYTHING, i can work with. but there ain’t. it starts with “the dirty diaper smell is coming from your studio” to “oh my GOD the dirty diaper smell is coming from YOU!”–i kid you not. NOT ONLY did they say THAT and then all AGREE, they all (get THIS) took turns leaning in to “SNIFF” me, and THEN said “oh my GOD the dirty diaper smell is coming from YOU” and then they thought it was so funnnnyyyyy, oh, so much laughing, so much, so much, can’t, breathe, so, funnyyyyy.

now, what kind of peoples do these sorts of things exactly?  i wasn’t sure what was going on, it was probably one of the most surreal times of my life. and even up to THAT point i STILL hadn’t said ANYTHING, not a peep, not a dirty look, nuthin’.

but after the last dirty bird had “sniffed” me, and they had finally run out of stuff to say, AND they were done laughing, i was like, uh, wow it’s really quiet now, awkward, ok, i guess the party’s over bitches, good meetin’, let’s do this again sometime, peace out! and so, i walked my dirty diaper smelling ass out of the store (i had to step OVER the girl laying on the floor to get out of the circle first) in total silence, and went back to my studio, still unsure about what exactly had happened and why. when i told my coworkers what had happened, one of them said, “next time she comes in here complainin’ about the smell, tell her to check her upper lip!”.

i thought i was over all that, but then today, TODAY i got picked on AGAIN.

the afternoon was going as well as it could’ve been considering i have a cold and feel like poop.

we get home from school and everything’s fine and then i tell my kid to stop whatever he is doing so we can do homework first. well he doesn’t want to do it and he’s too tired and he’s whining and writing his letters all weird and acting stupid etc and i’m trying to keep him on task. i’m thinking, gee WHIZ, all ya gotta do is draw shapes, count circles, write the letter “m”, what the HECK, just hurry up already, you’re KILLIN’ ME!!! i’d do it myself but my handwriting is WAY nicer than yours!!!

he just gets worse and worse. then we are almost done and by then the other kid has chimed in with her 2 cents’ worth and then all of a sudden they are just talking down to me, and saying stupid things like “you always say no to everything”. and i ask, “to what exactly?” and they say, “to having candy and anything fun”. et-cetera, et-cetera, et-cetera.

the whole time they are bullying me i am calm and telling them dumb things like “i say no to candy because i care about your teeth” or “i want you to make the next letter nicer than that one” or whatever, managing both of them at the same time, and i didn’t raise my voice at all or “punish” them or threaten to take anything away.

and then one of them goes to the fridge and takes down the drawing of us that i love and rips it to shreds. uhhh, what?! as IF!

it reminded me of that art studio story. it was so petty and surreal when that happened and this time with my own kids i was like, are you FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT O HELL NO. it was the same situation then as it was today–sometimes people mess with you because they’re trying to get some sort of reaction out of you–and if you don’t react, they just keep poking at you and poking at you til you hopefully explode.

i was just dragging my ass around, surviving and getting through the day, and then all of a sudden they decided to fucking pull some shit out of their asses and fling it all over me. what the FUCK. man, they seriously got me all riled up and then all these feelings from the art studio and–GAAAHH!

you want a reaction i’ll give you a reaction! JUDO CHOPS ALL AROUND!!!!

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4 comments on “o my gawd, seriously?!

  • Are you sure the first part of this tall tale wasn’t a dream you cooked up, perhaps after falling down the stairs a few dozen times? If it is an accurate (as accurate as we can expect given your admirable abilities of exaggeration) account of what went down then you have some severely unpleasant people up there in Redmond. Were these grown ass women or teenage bee-yotches?

    • one was a gray old mare and the others were grown women acting like teenage beotches. it could have been a cooked-up tale but if you recall i hit my ass not my HEED on the stairs. i do not deny my abilities of exaggeration and i appreciate that you refer to them as “admirable” even IF you happen to also be blessed with such abilities. i will nonetheless chalk that up as a “compliment”. take it and like it!

    • i literally, LITERALLY, couldn’t even THINK of anything to say. it was THAT BIZARRE. add to the mix that i was probably hungover and/or sleep-deprived as well as un-trained in this sort of retail situation AND lacking proper people skills, and you have one ironically speechless talk-o-holic.

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