dear _________ (name of person/s not in the room),
why do you insist on making my life
a living _________ (name of a place, full of burning)?
when i say i __________ (plucking) hate dealing
with your __________ (poop), it does not mean
‘please continue to torture me with your evil shenanigans’.
when i say ‘get your ________ (poop) together’
it does not mean ‘cry like a _________ (shmucking) baby
plus whine about all of the pretend problems you created”
and it also doesn’t mean
‘please use my face as your personal dung-bucket
during _______ (any or all major bank holidays)
for you to unload your drama-infested-freakout-baggage into’.
when you are clearly an insane person existing alongside those who are NOT,
there are a few things you will never know even as i explain them to you now–
1. a non-insane person will not believe anything you say.
because. you. are. clearly. INSANE!
2. a non-insane person is not going to sympathize or empathize!
there will be no thizing!
3. a non-insane person who appears to be listening is actually
fighting the urge to tear their own arm off to beat you with it
AND trying to scratch and claw their way into their happy place
while waiting for your psychotic ass to shutthefuckup!
why this addiction to drama when there are so many other more fun things
to be addicted to? like gambling. gateway drugs. gerbils.
i don’t give a _____ (flippin’ hockey puck rat’s ass)
what the _____ (hockey puck) it is! just ______ (FLIPPING!!!) DO it!
why am i even writing you a letter.
obviously this is for my benefit only and not yours.
because even if i DID send you this letter, you’d just tell yourself
that i accidentally sent it to you instead of my other friend with the same name
because i am addicted to gateway drugs and gambling gerbils.
that i am so silly because my face looks nothing like a dung-bucket.
which means that YOU will learn NOTHING
and I am RIGHT BACK WHERE I BEGAN.