company work party. theme: casino night. location: tasty brewpub.
a man and wife. condition: happy and sober.
wife: knows her limits, eats the company-provided dinner before consuming several pints, is feeling relaxed, chummy.
man: is blitzed and has already increased likelihood of chauvinistic-based lawsuit before introduction of appetizers (“coworkers’ wives vs smack-talkin’ sex-maniac”). skips food, strictly liquid diet. location: follow trail of poker chips dropped sporadically across casino floor. condition: swaying and humming to music ain’t nobody can hear. forecast: natural disaster of mass proportions.
man, very courageous, has light bulb: time to take party out of enclosed party room to public dining area downstairs. double light bulb: night perceived as young + plenty money left = drink more beers. bonus light bulb: must fulfill immediate urge (triggered by live music) to drunk-dance despite presence of many strangers.
wife: pretty sure bad idea but too late, man awkwardly holding wife tightly. location: upper left arm. condition: swinging, spinning, shaking. lots of shaking.
man: unknowingly uses wife to wipe out half of dance floor. dancers flying left and right. new form of dance-fighting invented but debut not well-received. man slurring, “yeah, you godda hang uvvit, dat’s right”.
wife: “godda hang-a-whaahhhh???”. feel weird and definitely not feel like dancing. people watching probably thinking same thing.
finally make it home. so happy made it home. mmm, bed. fluffy fresh and clean. look so comfy. like bunnies n clouds.
wife: crawl in bed go seepy-time.
man: bed? attack! pillows? blankies? attack! attack!
translation: BARF! BARF! BARRRRRRRRFFFFFF!!!!!
wife: sigh. change bed. clean all barf. change clothes. blech. sleep in other room.
man: not even bother wake up. just BARF! BARRRRF! BARRRRRRRRRRFFFFF!
wife: blech! change bed! clean all barf! change clothes! sleep in other room!
man: argh! still BARFING?! why so much barfing?! for gods’ sakes man wrap it up already!
wife: BLECH! CHANGE! CLEAN! CHANGE! SLEEP!
man: “want! blanket!”
wife: “newsflash! pukestorm! everything perish! all gone! only one sleeping bag, mine! no sharing!”
man: “you make man sad. juss want sleep bed.”
wife: “cannot sleep bed. you, human puke fountain. bed, giant puke-sponge. need burn bed. all febreze on earth not fix!”
man: “but me cold bwahhhhh me turning into grown man-baby! me crying waaahhhh!”
wife: “you cold because you not wearing clothes! this not rocket science! this ridiculous!”
man: “me no wann wear clothes! me wann blankie! why you not let me have blankies? you so MEAN! what, you a blankie police now?”
wife: “juss TAKE me SLEEPING BAG! TAKE! now for love of GAWD, SLEEP! or me punch you in stoopid puking fountain face!”
repeat cycle throughout night, til, finally, man snoring in 2.5 seconds flat.
wife awake til sunrise. not good mood.
man wake up complaining. “my neck. my back. my neck and my back!”
wife don’t care. ignoring.
man keep talking. digging deep hole. digging. diiigginnnng. still more digging. man not remember ANYTHING. unbelievable.
wife: too tired to kick ass. saving energy to plot revenge in form of blog entry.
her–whut wuth dat burd doin’?
her–it was in the road
me–was it movin?
her–no it wasn’t moobing it was fwat like maybe sumbunny car run it o-burr
me–then it was probably hurt by a car
me–yes maybe it is dead
her–how long is it dead for? forever?
her–well who run it o-burr
me–somebody probably ran it over accidentally with their car
her–but WHO mommy WHO run it o-burr
me–i don’t know, i wasn’t there when it happened
her–but MOMMY WHY YOU NOT KNOW
me–because i wasn’t (FREAKING) THERE!
her–but mommy, i think YOU ran it o-burr!
me–I DID NOT! WHAT ARE YOU FREAKING TALKING ABOUT
IT WAS DEAD BEFORE WE SAW IT IN THE ROAD!
her–but i think you DID it mommy because it dead
and we don’t know nobuddy else who did it
me–ARGH ARE WE REALLY HAVING THIS CONVERSATION
YOU BETTER NOT TELL PEOPLE YOUR MOMMY IS
RUNNING OVER BIRDIES BECAUSE I DIDN’T RUN IT OVER
YOU WOULD’VE HEARD ME RUN IT OVER
O MY GOODNESS YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY!
anyways, why i got sucked into that trap i don’t know.
so far i haven’t heard her spreading any rumors
so it will probably come out later on
when she is at show n tell in the 3rd grade. bah!
uhhh, what am i doing…?
i don’t know.
but i have a “general” “idea”.
(and lots of notes.)
the only way to get things done is to start DOING something, right? so i guess DAT what i be DOIN’.
what’s weird is that i spent a week trying to catch this fly in our house and when it was on the window, i opened it to let it out, but of course there is a screen, so now he is trapped between the window and the screen, and he’s bugging me even more than when he was flying around the dang house. he flies erratically and crawls all over the screen and he and his shadow dance all over my workspace all the live long day. rawr.
how freaking long do flies live anyways? someone has been sneaking him supplies. he has a lot of friends i’m sure. feeding him and whatnot. what the heck.
in any case, i’ve been that fly, stuck between whatever i’ve been stuck between, somehow still alive but probably not entirely due to my own efforts, anxious to do something in that big wide world out there.
don’t ask me why i didn’t just kill the dang fly. i don’t know why i didn’t kill the goshdarn fly.
actually part of the reason is because i suck at killing things. and given the perfect opportunity, i just can’t deliver the goods. maybe i’m clumsy or uncoordinated or have horrible eyesight. there’s a good chance it’s all three.
but, i don’t have a problem squishing, say, fruit flies, because those are just disgusting and multiply like there’s no tomorrow. so ya gotta get em or you’re gonna pay for it dearly the next day. case in point, we had a horrible fruit fly infestation, it multiplied exponentially over a couple of days, and on the third day, i found the goshdurned source, and it was like a freaking party, a hugely disgusting fruit fly party, in all six of our carved halloween pumpkins. so sick. flies just going all over the freaking place, in and out of eye sockets, nose holes, the whole shehbam, blech!!!!!
of course, i discovered it at some random moment, just as the kids were starting a fight and the neighbors dropped by to introduce themselves. i was trying to spit the flies away from my mouth, trying to breathe OUT more than in, whipping them away from my face like a lunatic, while trying to deal with everything that was going on (uh, why not just walk AWAY from the pumpkins and deal, you ask? because i can’t think fast enough, it’s the same reason i can’t find the stupid horn when someone cuts me off by running a red light through an intersection.)
what the HECK am i even TALKING about.
THIS is the first of many posts in my brand spanking new BLOG.
as you can probably already tell from the above, it is going to be very–how shall i put it?–R A N D O M.
but i hope that sometimes you’ll think it funny. but i must warn you that: (1) i DO tend to write a LOT (as in quantity)(because i am a super fast typer)(also, because, when something’s on my mind, i HAVE to let it OUT somehow); (2) i DO tend to use inappropriate word choices (because i have what some might term a “potty mouth”)(but also because i think it’s healing to use expletives)(also i think bad words are funny); (3) i DO tend to think some things are funny even though some people would think it makes me a sick and twisted individual and not find the same things funny (this is because i am a sick and twisted individual).
so if you no likey, den you might want to stop reading riiiightttt