company work party. theme: casino night. location: tasty brewpub.
a man and wife. condition: happy and sober.
wife: knows her limits, eats the company-provided dinner before consuming several pints, is feeling relaxed, chummy.
man: is blitzed and has already increased likelihood of chauvinistic-based lawsuit before introduction of appetizers (“coworkers’ wives vs smack-talkin’ sex-maniac”). skips food, strictly liquid diet. location: follow trail of poker chips dropped sporadically across casino floor. condition: swaying and humming to music ain’t nobody can hear. forecast: natural disaster of mass proportions.
man, very courageous, has light bulb: time to take party out of enclosed party room to public dining area downstairs. double light bulb: night perceived as young + plenty money left = drink more beers. bonus light bulb: must fulfill immediate urge (triggered by live music) to drunk-dance despite presence of many strangers.
wife: pretty sure bad idea but too late, man awkwardly holding wife tightly. location: upper left arm. condition: swinging, spinning, shaking. lots of shaking.
man: unknowingly uses wife to wipe out half of dance floor. dancers flying left and right. new form of dance-fighting invented but debut not well-received. man slurring, “yeah, you godda hang uvvit, dat’s right”.
wife: “godda hang-a-whaahhhh???”. feel weird and definitely not feel like dancing. people watching probably thinking same thing.
finally make it home. so happy made it home. mmm, bed. fluffy fresh and clean. look so comfy. like bunnies n clouds.
wife: crawl in bed go seepy-time.
man: bed? attack! pillows? blankies? attack! attack!
translation: BARF! BARF! BARRRRRRRRFFFFFF!!!!!
wife: sigh. change bed. clean all barf. change clothes. blech. sleep in other room.
man: not even bother wake up. just BARF! BARRRRF! BARRRRRRRRRRFFFFF!
wife: blech! change bed! clean all barf! change clothes! sleep in other room!
man: argh! still BARFING?! why so much barfing?! for gods’ sakes man wrap it up already!
wife: BLECH! CHANGE! CLEAN! CHANGE! SLEEP!
man: “want! blanket!”
wife: “newsflash! pukestorm! everything perish! all gone! only one sleeping bag, mine! no sharing!”
man: “you make man sad. juss want sleep bed.”
wife: “cannot sleep bed. you, human puke fountain. bed, giant puke-sponge. need burn bed. all febreze on earth not fix!”
man: “but me cold bwahhhhh me turning into grown man-baby! me crying waaahhhh!”
wife: “you cold because you not wearing clothes! this not rocket science! this ridiculous!”
man: “me no wann wear clothes! me wann blankie! why you not let me have blankies? you so MEAN! what, you a blankie police now?”
wife: “juss TAKE me SLEEPING BAG! TAKE! now for love of GAWD, SLEEP! or me punch you in stoopid puking fountain face!”
repeat cycle throughout night, til, finally, man snoring in 2.5 seconds flat.
wife awake til sunrise. not good mood.
man wake up complaining. “my neck. my back. my neck and my back!”
wife don’t care. ignoring.
man keep talking. digging deep hole. digging. diiigginnnng. still more digging. man not remember ANYTHING. unbelievable.
wife: too tired to kick ass. saving energy to plot revenge in form of blog entry.