“my neck and my back! i WANT a HUNNIT n FITTY dollahs!”
(i’d gladly roll around on the ground, re-enacting ezel’s convenience store slip and fall scene from the movie “friday”, but i’m literally unable to do so at the moment.)
i know what you’re thinking–“omg, did this fool hurt herself–AGAIN?!”
and, no, my pain has nothing to do with stairs.
HA! you thought you had me didn’t you.
(don’t get me wrong, the stairs are STILL not my best friend right now).
so, WHAT, pray tell, was i doing to cause all this pain?
i think it is best to answer this question with yet another movie quote:
“I’m KICKING my ASS, DO YA MIND?!” (jim carrey in liar liar, courtroom bathroom scene).
(if you haven’t seen that movie, it has some great one liners. he literally is kicking his own ass in the courtroom bathroom and some guy walks in and asks what he is doing and that was his answer, “i’m kicking my ass”. i think he had his head in the trash and was slamming the lid on his face, after having run himself into the wall/stall door/mirror/etc.)
(my other fav line is when he is having a convo with his son who says “my teacher tells me beauty is on the inside” and jim carrey says “that’s just something ugly people say”. now tell me that ain’t funny.)
in any case, the moral of my blory today (get it? blog + boring story = blory. ha! i’m delirious! somebody stop me!) is, if you are ever curious JUST how OUT OF SHAPE you truly truly TRULY are, i would recommend relatively little movement for about 6-7 years followed by inserting an insanely wild hair up your ass that leads you to believe that playing a full 90 of soccer without subs is a “good idea”. it’s also fun to get all psyched up by watching hours of professional futbol games prior to actually participating, making you feel falsely energized and overly confident that you will, in fact, be “ok”.
i hydrated, i ate bananas, i did my stretches, i warmed up, and off i went to my doom. a few minutes into it, my body was saying “dear god NOOOOO!” while my mind was saying “woo hoo, no subs, i get to play the WHOLE GAME!” while at the same time the mix of euphoria and adrenaline was effectively masking any signs of massive self-destruction. just fyi, if you add a high pain tolerance, well, i can purdy much guar-ron-tee(!) the combination will actually really kick your ass.
“K.O.! FI-NISH HIIIMMMMMM!”
in the aftermath, my days were spent trying not to move, sneeze, blink, twitch, move, move, or move. yes, i know i repeated myself, but it is because i am putting an em-PHA-sis on the im-por-TANT parts.
a week later, even if you’re still hurtin’, i’d say, don’t listen to your instincts, just give it another go ol’ chap!
and, if it STILL hurts, so much so that you think you have probably pulled or strained or torn multiple “things” (muscles and such), and you can no longer continue playing, and you can’t even stand there and serve as a placeholder or a dummy, well, then, congratulations, you will finally have reached my level of fitness.
in any case, you just have to try it. quit cold turkey for just a smidge under a decade then strap on the boots and try to kick it old school. everybody’s doin’ it. stop bein’ a wuss.
the last time we played in mexico was probably the most mas grande burrito sized can o’ whoopass you had ever seen. last night, we were going for a tie, or at least a small goal differential in the case of a loss–and, yes, we lost by one measly goal. so basically, we succeeded.
but let me tell you why i’m pissed.
(i said i wouldn’t use this blog to bitch about soccer but i didn’t pinky swear and i only said it to myself–no one is here to hold me accountable so you might as well get comfortable cuz ur about to hear my rant!)
anyone that has played soccer knows that there are variables. the playing surface, the weather, injured players, etc–and these are all things you consider before the game and plan for or adjust for accordingly. when it comes to which team your playing, and where, those too are very important factors to consider and you need to be able to adapt.
if you’ve ever played soccer before, and i KNOW these guys have, but i’m just saying, in general, if you’ve ever played soccer, and you’ve been up against a mexican team, you KNOW how they play. they don’t play like us. and they’re certainly not going to ref like us when we’re in their stadium. they’re intense, they will rough you up, they like it when you retaliate and they can rile you up, it’s all part of their game. your job is to keep your composure, up your intensity while still playing as a team, rough them back. but for the love of god you can’t give them any opportunity to injure you, because they will, you can’t expect the ref to coddle you, because he won’t, so just get out of their freaking way if they’re coming for you, use your finesse and dribble around those bitches, and, don’t let them mess up your game. don’t give the ref any reason to call a foul. the ref doesn’t care who started it, the ref doesn’t even care who retaliated first or second or third, the ref is not your friend when you’re in a different country playing a team like mexico. neither are the line judges so i don’t know why you’re even trying to wave your arms at them to get their attention.
when you are the visiting team, you are going to deal with a lot of unfair shit, get over it, i swear to god, how old are you, you’ve worked your way to professional soccer and you still can’t understand that if you play a mexican team on their home turf that you’re not going to get the calls, really, seriously, because i’ve known this since i was in kindergarten when i started kicking balls. you people are killin’ me.
just play your game, stay alert, don’t look to the ref to save your ass, don’t expect a fair game.
in fact, who cares that it was mexico in mexico, who cares that the ref was inconsistent and made some really horrible decisions (i’d say he made some really horrible “calls” but sometimes he didn’t call anything when he should have and vice versa), who cares about the variables–one of the unwritten rules that was always a given when i was growing up and learning the game was, the play ain’t over til it’s over. so, goddammit, that game could have been a big fat goose-egged TIE if you whiners would have kept playing instead of just stopping and flailing your arms trying to get the ref to make the offsides call. you are well-seasoned players with oodles of experience and yet you stop playing and basically just let the mexicans score the winning goal (the most boring goal-scoring slow-mo replay EVER) even though you know all the freaking variables in the world are against you. seriously? i couldn’t believe it. it is going to really piss me off if you do that ever again. don’t ever, ever ever ever, stop playing. ever. EVER!!!!
and another thing, what the hell was UP with people clearing the ball by kicking it super wimpy-like and usually to one of the mexican players or out of bounds? anybody else think it might be a great idea to either kick it to someone on our team or actually clear that stupid ball the way it’s supposed to be cleared? as in, if you’re gonna clear it, then clear the muther effer. jesus. it was like your legs were limp and your feet were made of jell-o. clearing the ball is very easy, you just kick the shit out of it.
it’s the little things that need tweaking. like the way you gotta up your intensity and put some goddamn pressure on the other team when they’re all in your grill and playing for blood. they had anywhere from 2 to 5 players if not more swarming any ONE player on our team that got the ball. we gotta work on having a really tight first touch, and our one touch passing, our triangle passes were almost non-existent, we gave away a lot of balls. we let mexico take charge and dictate the pace from the start. we need to muster up some confidence, up the energy, and play our game, the whole 90+ minutes.
with all that said, yes, 1-0 is a great final score against mexico. we had some terrific saves and passing plays and defense, and we’ve got awesome new players in the mix, it wasn’t a horrible game but it could have been that much better if we’d just been more mentally prepared. who was the captain anyways? i didn’t feel like there was a whole lot of leadership on the field and i was really frustrated with evans and also sometimes gspurning even though he saved our butts in the end. the honey badger was as impressive as ever. we have a lot of strengths and this season is going to be really exciting. but i’m a hardass when it comes to soccer, because i love this game, and i’m that authoritative perfectionist insanely protective asian parent when it comes to our seattle teams. but it’s only because i KNOW they can do better. when they get a B, i get pissed because they could’ve gotten an A. and when they get an A, i’ll still be pissed because i know they can get an A+ and extra credit to boot. in any case, really proud of their asses and can’t wait to see what they come up with in their 2nd match against mexico.