Life

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fun times

Published August 20, 2013 by snowhillofdoom

this is my “quiet time” during the day–i’m downstairs finishing up a few things while everyone else is upstairs brushing their teeth, getting ready for bed.

sometimes there are issues, kids fighting, procrastinating, the husband riling the kids up with rough-housing/feeding them sugary treats just before bedtime,  but i just try to block it all out.

tonite is a special night, however, one where for whatever reason it is best to consult mommy rather than that other dude that lives here.

girl: “mommy….?? mama…?? i need yur help….i did…someting…”.

girl creeps slowly out of the darkness and approaches mommy.

girl: “mommmmyyyy….???”

mommy, without looking up: “yessss…???”

girl: “wehl, ay need yur help, beecuth, wehl, beecuth i did someting, and i can’t pix it.”

mommy looks up.

uh, wtf.

there stands a very embarassed and sad small person, with 2 toothbrushes hanging from her hair, tangled up at the roots, so tight that the brush heads are together and the handles are pointed away from each other. dangling. dangling.

mommy: “um. can i. um. take a photo? or a video? please?”

mommy having very hard time trying not to laugh on the outside. tears clouding eyes. but, must, save, moment, for, daddy! daddy, must, experience!

girl: “no mommy. i don’t want u to take poh-tohs. i don’t want u to take pit-churs.”

mommy: “ok, well, why don’t you ask daddy for help?”

girl: “but i don’t wanna wake him up.”

mommy: “well i don’t think i know how to fix this so i think we’ll have to consult daddy. i bet he’ll know how to help you.”

girl: “no mommy i don’t want tell daddy. daddy’s sweeping i don’t want wake him up.”

mommy: “we need daddy’s help, let’s go upstairs.”

on our way to mommy and daddy’s bedroom, we stop by the kids’ bathroom, where big brother pretends like ‘it’s all good’ and he’s ‘just brushing his teeth minding his own bidness’. i make eye contact with him and i nod towards his lil sis. “did you help her with this?”. he says “no”. i says “so you didn’t help her with any of it?”. and he says, frantically trying to cover his ass, “well, but, i only did the spraying, but SHE did all the SPINNING.”

thank GAWD the “spraying” involved detangler, however, something was definitely lost in the execution.

we walk into the bedroom where daddy is watching tv in bed. he watches his show as i slowly approach him, saying, “daddy, we need your help. she didn’t want to wake you but i said that you would know how to fix it.” he looks at me, wondering, and i add, “but just so you know, your son only did the spraying, but SHE did ALL the SPINNING”.

and then, his beautiful daughter walks sheepishly into the room, toothbrushes dangling, and he just busts up laughing. that sets me off of course, so we are just staring at each other ‘quietly’ but furiously cracking up, our faces red, tears streaming from our eyes, and we can’t stop. i have no idea how long we were laughing but we literally couldn’t stop, our daughter is just standing there, waiting, embarassed, sad. and then she says, “nebbur myn. i pix it by myself” and walks out of the room.

valentine’s day

Published March 19, 2013 by snowhillofdoom

so i wake up to one of my kids walking into the room asking for help buttoning up his shirt.

then he puts on one of those clip-on ties, and i tell him he looks handsome this morning.

and he says, “well, i really wanted to dress up for thanksgiving.”

then the other kid walks in.

she is wearing her easter sweatshirt, complete with bunny ears on the hood and pink tummy with bunny tail in back.

hmmmm.

i tell ’em, “y’all know it’s valentine’s day today, right?”

i get the 100 mile stare.

okee dokee, whatever, good talk.

i press snooze and go back to sleep.

just. do. it.

Published March 18, 2013 by snowhillofdoom

click on the link. read the blog. you know you want to.

ok, so you might not like what it is telling you, because it is more than likely the truth for most of us (including myself), but if you keep reminding yourself about his message (“his” as in “johnny b. truant”), more power to you. seriously.

by no means is this meant to be an easy fix, and by no means is it a band-aid, it’s just a blog that i appreciate because it really does tell the truth, and i do need to be reminded of it or else i end up overwhelmed, or underwhelmed, or stuck in a rut, when really there is so much more to this life, and, reading this blog also pushes me, it reminds me that if i work on what i really truly want to work on (even a little tiny bit each day or each week or each month), i CAN and WILL improve the quality of life for me and my family. i CAN make the living i want to make, i WILL create the dream life. i can create more free time to spend with family and friends. i can earn a living while working less hours. i can do whatever the eff i want to do. but only i can do it. and motivation is half the battle.

and, to keep me honest, i am happy to report that i have been working on a new children’s book. i’ve written the book and have started working on the illustrations, AND, i’m also working on the illustrations for another writers’ book. i get overwhelmed thinking about all the different projects i want to do but haven’t, then i get underwhelmed when i haven’t taken advantage of my free time to get anything concrete put together. but oh when i start working on something, even a teensie wheensie smidge, i start to get all giddy like a schoolgirl. now if i can just keep my own interest long enough, i’ll be bustin’ out multiple projects left and right, and you won’t be able to stop me, when i get in that mode, i don’t eat and i hardly sleep. which is ridiculous and i obviously need to work on that. but you get the idea. i need to get to that place for my sake and for my life’s sake. if i can continue working from home after both kids are in school while actually earning an income i can truly be proud of, well, that’s my long-term goal for sure. if i can earn enough to have the hubby home more often, well, more power to us. but i gotta start now.

i have other goals i’ve been working on, like my health and whatnot, and i’ll tell you right now, that’s been a pain in the pahtootie. teaching an old dog new tricks is not just a saying. but now that many of those glitches have become more a part of my natural rhythm, it frees up some time and energy for new projects, like my artwork and books. it’s amazing how much more functional you are when you overcome an obstacle. no matter how big, no matter how small, they all sit like an anvil on your shoulder and keep you rooted in place. some of us get tired of the weight, and others choose to go down without a fight. well, i got tired of the weight. there are others who have chosen to go down with it, and THEY were a part of the weight that was pulling me down, but they don’t respect themselves enough to try to resolve their situation, and claim that they are destined to ride this crazy train until it crashes to bits in a fire-y inferno. so i could either continue to get pulled into their universe or take the next spaceship outta town.

it hasn’t been easy, but it isn’t supposed to be easy (it ain’t “staples” for gods’ sakes). so either you put up and shut up (if you choose to do this, you’re not allowed to complain, to be a martyr, nor are you allowed to claim that you have no choice–because YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE, in fact, there are always multiple alternatives in every situation–AND you also have to take full responsibility for your situation and fully admit you are the source of your own stupid misery), or you start demanding the life you want, and you take charge. no more excuses. there is no reason why you can’t have peace of mind, there is no reason why you have to deal with bullcrap from your boss, your spouse, your dog, or yourself for that matter. everyone deserves to be here and to be truly happy.

surround yourself with people who support you. keep the others at arms length and don’t get pulled into their universe. you have your life, and they have theirs.

so, now that you’ve got nothing to lose, try it. you might like it!

http://johnnybtruant.com/whats-your-purpose-no-really-think-about-it/

and another link if you’re interested:

http://joelrunyon.com/two3/how-to-do-so-many-diverse-and-awesome-things-that-people-will-want-to-punch-you-in-the-face

drama-b-gone

Published January 16, 2013 by snowhillofdoom

do YOU know somebody who is INSANE?

who constantly repeats the same mistakes and expects a different outcome?

who IS DRIVING YOU FREAKING BANANAS?!

(‘freaking bananas’ = draining your mental energy +

boring you to death with their stupid problems +

making your life a drama-ridden stinkfest)

then have i got the product for YOU!

sneak THIS baby into the convo

and tell ’em

HOW AWESOME IT IS

EVERYBODY’S DOING IT

BECAUSE IT’S SO COOL!

http://kzok.cbslocal.com/show/the-danny-bonaduce-show/

dirty bird

Published December 19, 2012 by snowhillofdoom

her–whut wuth dat burd doin’?

me–what bird?

her–it was in the road

me–was it movin?

her–no it wasn’t moobing it was fwat like maybe sumbunny car run it o-burr

me–then it was probably hurt by a car

her–or dead?

me–yes maybe it is dead

her–how long is it dead for? forever?

me–yes forever

her–well who run it o-burr

me–somebody probably ran it over accidentally with their car

her–but WHO mommy WHO run it o-burr

me–i don’t know, i wasn’t there when it happened

her–but MOMMY WHY YOU NOT KNOW

me–because i wasn’t (FREAKING) THERE!

her–but mommy, i think YOU ran it o-burr!

me–I DID NOT! WHAT ARE YOU FREAKING TALKING ABOUT

IT WAS DEAD BEFORE WE SAW IT IN THE ROAD!

her–but i think you DID it mommy because it dead

and we don’t know nobuddy else who did it

me–ARGH ARE WE REALLY HAVING THIS CONVERSATION

YOU BETTER NOT TELL PEOPLE YOUR MOMMY IS

RUNNING OVER BIRDIES BECAUSE I DIDN’T RUN IT OVER

YOU WOULD’VE HEARD ME RUN IT OVER

O MY GOODNESS YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY!

anyways, why i got sucked into that trap i don’t know.

so far i haven’t heard her spreading any rumors

so it will probably come out later on

when she is at show n tell in the 3rd grade. bah!

o my gawd, seriously?!

Published December 12, 2012 by snowhillofdoom

who ARE these people who think they can just walk all over you?

why are they such bullies?

when i used to work at an art studio, an ART S-T-U-D-I-O, i got bullied all the FREAKING TIME.

getting bullied all the freaking time wasn’t anything new, bullies have given me a hard time my whole life, but come ON, it was an ART STUDIO. you know there is something wrong if you get bullied in an art studio.

i was the floor manager so i had the pleasure of dealing with all sorts of weird situations. most of the time they were entertaining. and then a situation would come along that made absolutely no freaking sense whatsoever, so much so that i wouldn’t know what to do except become a deer in the headlights.

so the owner from the store next to the art studio opens the front door, keeps it open, stares me down across a crowded room of families who are sitting at tables quietly painting or standing in line to pay (i am at the register which is far away from the front door) and who are all now staring at her because she is just standing there with some sort of mysterious but urgent purpose.

i know who she is, she’s the witch next door who owns a children’s store and hair cutting biz, and i got customers up the yahoo so she is definitely last on my list of priorities. she “ahems” me from across the studio because her presence has not gotten the royal welcome she was trying to suck out of me and i barely look at her out of the corner of my eye and, get this, she literally says “it smells like dirty diapers in my store” with such an air of authori-TAY and as if it’s all my fault. at this point i have already gone well past my tolerance of her witchy brew and i’m not sure what company protocol is in this sort of situation so i just keep doing my job and click my heels three times to try to wish her away.

it doesn’t work. she continues. “it smells like dirty diapers in my store and it’s COMING FROM YOUR STUDIO.” and i’m like, woop dee doo lady, thanks for the tip, bye bye for now, nice catchin’ up with ya. of course, the customers are like, wtf is going on, is there going to be a gang fight soon, should we be hiding under the tables or should we just continue painting? they look at me as if i know what the fuck to do and i’m like, uh, hello, she is clearly a psycho, and psychos can’t be dealt with, everybody knows THAT, and, NO, i don’t know what to do. HOWEVER, if anyone has any suggestions just feel free to blurt them out at any time. anyone? anyone???

so the witch is still not getting the desired results and her posse (worker bees) have now assembled themselves by her side (like they do in music videos when they’re about to break it down) and they are advancing into the studio towards me while she continues on her weird rant about “stinky diaper smells coming from here” la la la la blah! her posse is all smarmy looking, hands on hips, some of them are filing their nails even, surly expressions all pointed in my direction, while their queen just babbles on and on about dirty diapers. god, people are so fucking weird.

i try to muster up any sort of maturity i might have hidden somewhere so as to appear professional even though this situation is clearly insane. and then i decide that i must throw myself into the fire and let the art studio customers continue their afternoon without having to see this strange and stupid spectacle. it doesn’t even make any goshdarned sense and it’s just uncomfortable when you are a guest somewhere and something weird happens and you’re trying not to react or stare but you don’t want to be rude and just ignore what is obviously going on. what i SHOULD’VE done is formally introduced her as “the witch next door, in case any of y’alls wanna get ur kids’ hairs cutted after y’alls done paintin’, uh hee hee.”

i go for the simplest solution and just start walking out the door of the studio and into the witches’ store next door, hoping they will follow me. sure enough they follow me without missing a beat. the queen is still flapping her hairy wrinkly yap and her posse is still hands on hips and surly. and then as if the whole situation wasn’t already weird enough, they form a circle around me–some are sitting on merchandise shelves, some are behind the counter, some are actually lying the fuck down on the floor, all the while there are CUSTOMERS in the store and some random kid is getting a haircut, and the person cutting his hair comes over to join the circle. hell, they even rang out a customer while all this was going on. i mean, seriously, a customer actually BOUGHT something in this environment (she gave me a questioning look but i was like, dude, why does everybody think i have the answers, i don’t even know my ass from my face at the moment).

what’s even WEIRDER is that i haven’t even said one fucking word yet. not a word. not even a dirty look. nothing. i guess i was just in shock and also waiting to see what they were going to do so that i could come up with a clever response. hopefully something involving kung fu fighting and plenty of judo chops. but they really didn’t have anything for me to respond to because it was all just nonsense. you can’t reply to nonsense with sense, everbuddy knowed dat!

so i’m just standing and turning ’round to kind of hear what they want to throw at me in case there IS by chance SOMETHING, ANYTHING, i can work with. but there ain’t. it starts with “the dirty diaper smell is coming from your studio” to “oh my GOD the dirty diaper smell is coming from YOU!”–i kid you not. NOT ONLY did they say THAT and then all AGREE, they all (get THIS) took turns leaning in to “SNIFF” me, and THEN said “oh my GOD the dirty diaper smell is coming from YOU” and then they thought it was so funnnnyyyyy, oh, so much laughing, so much, so much, can’t, breathe, so, funnyyyyy.

now, what kind of peoples do these sorts of things exactly?  i wasn’t sure what was going on, it was probably one of the most surreal times of my life. and even up to THAT point i STILL hadn’t said ANYTHING, not a peep, not a dirty look, nuthin’.

but after the last dirty bird had “sniffed” me, and they had finally run out of stuff to say, AND they were done laughing, i was like, uh, wow it’s really quiet now, awkward, ok, i guess the party’s over bitches, good meetin’, let’s do this again sometime, peace out! and so, i walked my dirty diaper smelling ass out of the store (i had to step OVER the girl laying on the floor to get out of the circle first) in total silence, and went back to my studio, still unsure about what exactly had happened and why. when i told my coworkers what had happened, one of them said, “next time she comes in here complainin’ about the smell, tell her to check her upper lip!”.

i thought i was over all that, but then today, TODAY i got picked on AGAIN.

the afternoon was going as well as it could’ve been considering i have a cold and feel like poop.

we get home from school and everything’s fine and then i tell my kid to stop whatever he is doing so we can do homework first. well he doesn’t want to do it and he’s too tired and he’s whining and writing his letters all weird and acting stupid etc and i’m trying to keep him on task. i’m thinking, gee WHIZ, all ya gotta do is draw shapes, count circles, write the letter “m”, what the HECK, just hurry up already, you’re KILLIN’ ME!!! i’d do it myself but my handwriting is WAY nicer than yours!!!

he just gets worse and worse. then we are almost done and by then the other kid has chimed in with her 2 cents’ worth and then all of a sudden they are just talking down to me, and saying stupid things like “you always say no to everything”. and i ask, “to what exactly?” and they say, “to having candy and anything fun”. et-cetera, et-cetera, et-cetera.

the whole time they are bullying me i am calm and telling them dumb things like “i say no to candy because i care about your teeth” or “i want you to make the next letter nicer than that one” or whatever, managing both of them at the same time, and i didn’t raise my voice at all or “punish” them or threaten to take anything away.

and then one of them goes to the fridge and takes down the drawing of us that i love and rips it to shreds. uhhh, what?! as IF!

it reminded me of that art studio story. it was so petty and surreal when that happened and this time with my own kids i was like, are you FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT O HELL NO. it was the same situation then as it was today–sometimes people mess with you because they’re trying to get some sort of reaction out of you–and if you don’t react, they just keep poking at you and poking at you til you hopefully explode.

i was just dragging my ass around, surviving and getting through the day, and then all of a sudden they decided to fucking pull some shit out of their asses and fling it all over me. what the FUCK. man, they seriously got me all riled up and then all these feelings from the art studio and–GAAAHH!

you want a reaction i’ll give you a reaction! JUDO CHOPS ALL AROUND!!!!

what IS wrong with me.

Published December 6, 2012 by snowhillofdoom

there comes a time in your life when you have to start admitting some things.

when you have to begin to accept stuff.

like accepting that you have no idea why your thumb is screwed up because you don’t remember injuring it.

or admitting that stairs are not your best friend.

or, for that matter, neither are your feet.

sometimes you have to accept that the universe is telling you something.

like, “i hate you!”, or, “die! earthling!”.

and then sometimes you feel like it’s saying, “what, you think i’m playing around? you think falling UP the stairs is all i got for you? oh no, no no NO my friend. YOU will fall up the stairs NOT ONE but TWO times, and then, THEN, you will fall DOWN the stairs and fall straight on yo’ ASS, mwah ah ah ah ahhhhh!”.

i still can’t believe i have been falling so much up and down the stairs, it is seriously pissing me the f*ck off. when i’m careful, i’m careful. but then i guess my mind likes to check out for a split second and boom i’m down without even a chance at some sort of reaction. is it because i black out and don’t realize i am f*cking myself til i’m kissing the stairs or is it because i’m falling so damn fast i CAN’T react or am i just in la-la land, i really can’t figure it out.

i’ve fallen with and without socks. i feel like such a f*cking idiot you don’t even know how much i was stressing out about it last night. plus i couldn’t sleep because my ass f*cking hurt as well as my back neck arms and legs. i am such a f*cking mess i don’t even know what the hell is going on with me. and my goddamn thumb hurts from god knows what and it isn’t even related to falling up or down the stairs.

RAWRRR!

don’t get me wrong, i AM a clutz sometimes, but not like this. it is seriously driving me up the freaking wall. whatever the f*ck is going on it f*cking sucks and i swear to god it feels like i’m slipping on air or the rug is being pulled from beneath me except that there is no rug. it happens so smoothly and it just f*cking sucks! holey hell muther of god what am i freaking doing i mean what is freaking WRONG with me that i can’t walk up and down stairs? i’m just a freaking idiot lately!!!!

goshdangitall! i know lots of “fallers”, but i am not one of them! when a “faller” decided to wear roller skates instead of a good ol’ trusty pair of shoes, and then go partying all night, who was there to pick them up and dig gravel bits out of their knees? i was. when we were at a concert and one of our friends was having trouble standing, who was there to tell another drunk friend to please hold the other drunk friend up so that security wouldn’t notice and kick us out of the club? uh, ME. when we used to party a lot, someone would have to police other people’s sh*t and organize a bunch of drunks to kindly rid the party of the drunk person who had the potential to hurt themselves or someone else. yes, that was also me, i policed other people’s sh*t. and who drank so much that they actually blacked out (or maybe fell asleep) standing up, in a room full of drunk dancing people, and stood propped up against a bookshelf for gawd knows how long? uh, yup, THAT was ME. i was propped up against the bookshelf all by myself and i did not fall.

you see??? I am NOT the FALLER. i am there for others if they happen to fall. sure, they may end up outside face down in the bushes for a few hours at some point during the night, but if you fall down a flight of stairs and roll straight into my tv set and you’re not quite sure how or why it happened, and then you’re not sure why you’re lying on the ground with a bike helmet halfway covering your face and your legs and feet are propped up over your head and lying against my tv (and you also scuffed my tv with your shoes and are wondering where those scuff marks came from because you’ve never noticed them before)–uh, HELLO, it’s time for you to go outside.

especially if i was in the middle of making homemade stove top mac n cheese for a house full of drunk and hungry football fans. anyone who knows me KNOWS that i get easily distracted, and if i get distracted while i’m cooking, well, food doesn’t turn out the way it’s supposed to. mashed potatoes, the kind that come in a box, even THOSE can turn out totally wrong if i am not completely focused on the task at hand. sometimes i end up inventing a new recipe, like “twice-washed soup”. or an apple pie that tastes not like apple, but LEMON rather. damn. i hate baking.

ANYWAYS! I. AM. NOT. A. FALLER!!! RAWRRRRRRR!!!!