company work party. theme: casino night. location: tasty brewpub.
a man and wife. condition: happy and sober.
wife: knows her limits, eats the company-provided dinner before consuming several pints, is feeling relaxed, chummy.
man: is blitzed and has already increased likelihood of chauvinistic-based lawsuit before introduction of appetizers (“coworkers’ wives vs smack-talkin’ sex-maniac”). skips food, strictly liquid diet. location: follow trail of poker chips dropped sporadically across casino floor. condition: swaying and humming to music ain’t nobody can hear. forecast: natural disaster of mass proportions.
man, very courageous, has light bulb: time to take party out of enclosed party room to public dining area downstairs. double light bulb: night perceived as young + plenty money left = drink more beers. bonus light bulb: must fulfill immediate urge (triggered by live music) to drunk-dance despite presence of many strangers.
wife: pretty sure bad idea but too late, man awkwardly holding wife tightly. location: upper left arm. condition: swinging, spinning, shaking. lots of shaking.
man: unknowingly uses wife to wipe out half of dance floor. dancers flying left and right. new form of dance-fighting invented but debut not well-received. man slurring, “yeah, you godda hang uvvit, dat’s right”.
wife: “godda hang-a-whaahhhh???”. feel weird and definitely not feel like dancing. people watching probably thinking same thing.
finally make it home. so happy made it home. mmm, bed. fluffy fresh and clean. look so comfy. like bunnies n clouds.
wife: crawl in bed go seepy-time.
man: bed? attack! pillows? blankies? attack! attack!
translation: BARF! BARF! BARRRRRRRRFFFFFF!!!!!
wife: sigh. change bed. clean all barf. change clothes. blech. sleep in other room.
man: not even bother wake up. just BARF! BARRRRF! BARRRRRRRRRRFFFFF!
wife: blech! change bed! clean all barf! change clothes! sleep in other room!
man: argh! still BARFING?! why so much barfing?! for gods’ sakes man wrap it up already!
wife: BLECH! CHANGE! CLEAN! CHANGE! SLEEP!
man: “want! blanket!”
wife: “newsflash! pukestorm! everything perish! all gone! only one sleeping bag, mine! no sharing!”
man: “you make man sad. juss want sleep bed.”
wife: “cannot sleep bed. you, human puke fountain. bed, giant puke-sponge. need burn bed. all febreze on earth not fix!”
man: “but me cold bwahhhhh me turning into grown man-baby! me crying waaahhhh!”
wife: “you cold because you not wearing clothes! this not rocket science! this ridiculous!”
man: “me no wann wear clothes! me wann blankie! why you not let me have blankies? you so MEAN! what, you a blankie police now?”
wife: “juss TAKE me SLEEPING BAG! TAKE! now for love of GAWD, SLEEP! or me punch you in stoopid puking fountain face!”
repeat cycle throughout night, til, finally, man snoring in 2.5 seconds flat.
wife awake til sunrise. not good mood.
man wake up complaining. “my neck. my back. my neck and my back!”
wife don’t care. ignoring.
man keep talking. digging deep hole. digging. diiigginnnng. still more digging. man not remember ANYTHING. unbelievable.
wife: too tired to kick ass. saving energy to plot revenge in form of blog entry.
do YOU know somebody who is INSANE?
who constantly repeats the same mistakes and expects a different outcome?
who IS DRIVING YOU FREAKING BANANAS?!
(‘freaking bananas’ = draining your mental energy +
boring you to death with their stupid problems +
making your life a drama-ridden stinkfest)
then have i got the product for YOU!
sneak THIS baby into the convo
and tell ’em
HOW AWESOME IT IS
EVERYBODY’S DOING IT
BECAUSE IT’S SO COOL!
dear _________ (name of person/s not in the room),
why do you insist on making my life
a living _________ (name of a place, full of burning)?
when i say i __________ (plucking) hate dealing
with your __________ (poop), it does not mean
‘please continue to torture me with your evil shenanigans’.
when i say ‘get your ________ (poop) together’
it does not mean ‘cry like a _________ (shmucking) baby
plus whine about all of the pretend problems you created”
and it also doesn’t mean
‘please use my face as your personal dung-bucket
during _______ (any or all major bank holidays)
for you to unload your drama-infested-freakout-baggage into’.
when you are clearly an insane person existing alongside those who are NOT,
there are a few things you will never know even as i explain them to you now–
1. a non-insane person will not believe anything you say.
because. you. are. clearly. INSANE!
2. a non-insane person is not going to sympathize or empathize!
there will be no thizing!
3. a non-insane person who appears to be listening is actually
fighting the urge to tear their own arm off to beat you with it
AND trying to scratch and claw their way into their happy place
while waiting for your psychotic ass to shutthefuckup!
why this addiction to drama when there are so many other more fun things
to be addicted to? like gambling. gateway drugs. gerbils.
i don’t give a _____ (flippin’ hockey puck rat’s ass)
what the _____ (hockey puck) it is! just ______ (FLIPPING!!!) DO it!
why am i even writing you a letter.
obviously this is for my benefit only and not yours.
because even if i DID send you this letter, you’d just tell yourself
that i accidentally sent it to you instead of my other friend with the same name
because i am addicted to gateway drugs and gambling gerbils.
that i am so silly because my face looks nothing like a dung-bucket.
which means that YOU will learn NOTHING
and I am RIGHT BACK WHERE I BEGAN.
her–whut wuth dat burd doin’?
her–it was in the road
me–was it movin?
her–no it wasn’t moobing it was fwat like maybe sumbunny car run it o-burr
me–then it was probably hurt by a car
me–yes maybe it is dead
her–how long is it dead for? forever?
her–well who run it o-burr
me–somebody probably ran it over accidentally with their car
her–but WHO mommy WHO run it o-burr
me–i don’t know, i wasn’t there when it happened
her–but MOMMY WHY YOU NOT KNOW
me–because i wasn’t (FREAKING) THERE!
her–but mommy, i think YOU ran it o-burr!
me–I DID NOT! WHAT ARE YOU FREAKING TALKING ABOUT
IT WAS DEAD BEFORE WE SAW IT IN THE ROAD!
her–but i think you DID it mommy because it dead
and we don’t know nobuddy else who did it
me–ARGH ARE WE REALLY HAVING THIS CONVERSATION
YOU BETTER NOT TELL PEOPLE YOUR MOMMY IS
RUNNING OVER BIRDIES BECAUSE I DIDN’T RUN IT OVER
YOU WOULD’VE HEARD ME RUN IT OVER
O MY GOODNESS YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY!
anyways, why i got sucked into that trap i don’t know.
so far i haven’t heard her spreading any rumors
so it will probably come out later on
when she is at show n tell in the 3rd grade. bah!
i’ve been subscribing to this character for awhile. he has a potty mouth but he makes good sense. some great stories on his website, too. give him a whirl sometime, you won’t be disappointed! also good for when you can’t find the motivation to do something, whatever it may be.
dith girl ith fuuunnnnnyyyy. she make-a me a-laugh. especially wonderful if you know any controlling people in your life–she can make it all better. or at least makes it so you can laugh about it (through all the tears & pain).