“my neck! my back!”

Published April 19, 2013 by snowhillofdoom

“my neck and my back! i WANT a HUNNIT n FITTY dollahs!”

(i’d gladly roll around on the ground, re-enacting ezel’s convenience store slip and fall scene from the movie “friday”, but i’m literally unable to do so at the moment.)

i know what you’re thinking–“omg, did this fool hurt herself–AGAIN?!”

and, no, my pain has nothing to do with stairs.

HA! you thought you had me didn’t you.

(don’t get me wrong, the stairs are STILL not my best friend right now).

so, WHAT, pray tell, was i doing to cause all this pain?

i think it is best to answer this question with yet another movie quote:

“I’m KICKING my ASS, DO YA MIND?!” (jim carrey in liar liar, courtroom bathroom scene).

(if you haven’t seen that movie, it has some great one liners. he literally is kicking his own ass in the courtroom bathroom and some guy walks in and asks what he is doing and that was his answer, “i’m kicking my ass”. i think he had his head in the trash and was slamming the lid on his face, after having run himself into the wall/stall door/mirror/etc.)

(my other fav line is when he is having a convo with his son who says “my teacher tells me beauty is on the inside” and jim carrey says “that’s just something ugly people say”. now tell me that ain’t funny.)

in any case, the moral of my blory today (get it? blog + boring story = blory. ha! i’m delirious! somebody stop me!) is, if you are ever curious JUST how OUT OF SHAPE you truly truly TRULY are, i would recommend relatively little movement for about 6-7 years followed by inserting an insanely wild hair up your ass that leads you to believe that playing a full 90 of soccer without subs is a “good idea”. it’s also fun to get all psyched up by watching hours of professional futbol games prior to actually participating, making you feel falsely energized and overly confident that you will, in fact, be “ok”.

i hydrated, i ate bananas, i did my stretches, i warmed up, and off i went to my doom. a few minutes into it, my body was saying “dear god NOOOOO!” while my mind was saying “woo hoo, no subs, i get to play the WHOLE GAME!” while at the same time the mix of euphoria and adrenaline was effectively masking any signs of massive self-destruction. just fyi, if you add a high pain tolerance, well, i can purdy much guar-ron-tee(!) the combination will actually really kick your ass.


in the aftermath, my days were spent trying not to move, sneeze, blink, twitch, move, move, or move. yes, i know i repeated myself, but it is because i am putting an em-PHA-sis on the im-por-TANT parts.

a week later, even if you’re still hurtin’, i’d say, don’t listen to your instincts, just give it another go ol’ chap!

and, if it STILL hurts, so much so that you think you have probably pulled or strained or torn multiple “things” (muscles and such), and you can no longer continue playing, and you can’t even stand there and serve as a placeholder or a dummy, well, then, congratulations, you will finally have reached my level of fitness.

in any case, you just have to try it. quit cold turkey for just a smidge under a decade then strap on the boots and try to kick it old school. everybody’s doin’ it. stop bein’ a wuss.


4 comments on ““my neck! my back!”

  • For your information, Ezel wanted ” a hunned and fitty THOUSAND !”. He quickly lowered his demands for compensation to a jawbreaker and a pack of envelopes. Might I suggest a few weeks of nice, easy jogging before you attempt another full 90? The body is resilient and can get back up to speed with a little forewarning of what is to be expected of it. Still, good job going for it; most people wouldn’t even bother.

    • u caught me. but here’s the story behind the story. so i re-published the blog after correcting and re-correcting some trivial (by comparison) mistakes, then realized the biggest mistake was in my opening line. i let it be, because i felt i had to pay for my glaring error and be publicly humiliated by whoever (whomever?) ended up calling me out. so, on the one hand, i have to say i am very honored to have you as a friend. on the other hand, i think maybe we should have focused our skills during those summer months on something other than a vhs movie. like maybe getting a j-o-b. but then on the OTHER hand, we did bring a “smashmouth” song to life. it was glorious. plus we were great at making up nicknames for other people in order to further entertain ourselves. so, i’m not sure what i’m getting at exactly, but, i guess i meant to say, well done old fellow, good show, and all that nonsense : ) i will now wrap up my spiel by asking whether a few days (ok fine, a few minutes) of easy jogging will suffice before my next big game…? ok i’ll admit that was rhetorical. but this time i’ll play nicer. the fact that i messed up ezel’s slip and fall quote is a testament to just how messed up i was after pushing my body past its reasonable limit!

  • good work, you two, but I could use more sarcasm and humor please. Isn’t THAT the goal? I stand by what the wife always tells me (regardless of the exercise or part of the body that necessitates the help) – “make sure you do your pubic stretches honey” yes, that was not a typo – pubic not public.

    • hey, b-rad, nice try, but the word is “pelvic”. “pelvic stretches”. yes, they DO exist. as a lesson in humility from el schoolio of no talky smacky backy, i would appreciate it if you would ask our p.t. to please demonstrate the infamous, as you put it, “pubic” stretch. also, as part deux of said humility lesson, i would find it extremely satisfying for you to try to demonstrate said “pubic” stretches in public. HONEY. yes, that was not a typo. HONEY. no wonder you always roll your eyes at me when i ask you if you dare skip your stretching routine before playing with your “balls” at lunchtime–no one wants to be seen doing anything remotely resembling PUBIC stretching. i swear. not only are you a sorcerer of words…but, nope. that’s it. you are a sorcerer of words. please keep your evil shenanigans to yourself my friend. and don’t think this gets you out of taking me out to lunch today. luv ya!

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